First Visit with the Surgeon

Tomorrow is my first visit with the surgeon.  Jason has been in Texas and I have almost decided not to do the surgery.  Then I look back on all the struggles I have had with being over weight.  I almost cancelled my surgeons appointment.  I went back to the support group at www.dailystrength.org and I have convinced myself again that this is the absolute right thing for me and I am excited to get going on the weight loss. 

I don't know how Kimber is going to react when I tell her that I am for sure going on with the surgery, but I will talk to her about it soon.  I am so excited about the things that this surgery can do for me.  Mostly having a baby!  I am just tied up in knots over this visit. 

I am going crazy!

Jason has been in Austin for only a few days and I already miss him like crazy!  It's weird how you get so used to being with someone that when they aren't there its like something is missing.  It's good that we have been married for 11 years and I still miss him like crazy when he isn't here.  I'm going to bed. Work is killing me!  School starts in a few weeks and I'm stressing bad about that! 

My so called crazy life!

Well the last couple of weeks have been busy!  We work all day and half the night then get up and do it all over again.  We had to let one lady go the first week Kimber was in charge because we had had several complaints about her not paying attention to the children and about her not being responsive to parent instructions etc.  We had an employee a few months ago that went to the doctor and never called nor came back.  Almost a week later she called Jeanne and asked if she could come by and talk and when she did Jeanne hired her back.  This was without consulting Kimber or I. 

When they laid Jeanne off this girl started her business all over again.  She kept calling in for this reason or that reason and there was always an excuse.  Last week on Thursday Jackie left her phone in the playroom and a child got it and was playing with it.  I guess his mom has an iphone because he had it on and was moving things around.  I took it from him and looked at it and it was a message between Jackie and Christina (The one who called in a lot)  They were talking about what a bitch I am and yadda yadda yadda.  Anyway, Christina said, "That snotty bitch has never liked me anyway."  They talked about pretty much everyone but specifically me.  Why?  I have never been the target of this type of thing before.  I'm 28 and this is the first??  Probably not, but for sure the first I have ever known about.  Anyway, so we had this problem with Christina calling off and the boss said the next time she called off she was fired.  Low and behold, Friday she called off.  She was fired of course. At the end of the day on Friday we got a call and I answered.  Christina was on the phone asking why she was fired and saying that it wasn't fair and the she knows I was the cause of her getting fired.  I told her that I honestly didn't have anything to do with it, she did it on her own. 

She got off the phone and then tonight, Tori my niece who is 15 sends her a message on facebook about how she wants to be friends and why she called me a bitch, well Christina goes off about how I should get a life and blah blah.  Why should I get a life?  I didn't even know about this until it was done.  Then again I ask myself, why would I let a 20 year old get to me?

Theres Mutiny Afoot

I know this may be just the stress of everything that has happened talking, but I feel like Kimber isn't very willing to share power.  Not that I partcularly want the stress of having the decision making responsibility, but I know what Jeanne trained us to do and I can help.  I get the feeling she wants all the control.  The question is, do I just sit back and let her have all the control until she realizes she can't do it all alone?  We are friends.  I don't want to ruin a friendship but I feel left out of it all.  Even the meetings with Cary.  I never enter into anything with it.  I'm worried about the fact that I have worked my ass off for the last few years and I have gotten my degree and now all of a sudden they are looking at having an "overseer" for Kimber.  Well with both of us do they really need that?  Then the reality of the situation takes over and I can be thankful that I don't have added responsibility and no extra pay for it (she's not getting a pay raise). 

I guess the truth is in the long run none of this matters because I am going to end up leaving some day anyway.  I want to move back to my home town sometime anyway.  My homesickness just won't go away.

I'm here Lord

I have had several conversations with God lately.  I think that it's easy during times of stress to say a prayer and ask for guidance to get through it, but when times are good we often forget to kneal and pray.  I have the perfect reminder every day at work about God's grace.  We pray a lot at work, but now I am forgetting to have those normal everyday conversations with God.  I am going to work on being closer to him and being a more devoted follower. 

I have been hearing a lot about a group of young singers from my home state.  They have a song called Christ Alone.  It's worth a listen.  I will post lyrics. 

Christ Alone
Edens Edge

When I fly off this mortal earth
And I’m measured up by depth and girth
The Father says now what’s he worth
May he see Jesus death and birth

Don’t measure me by dollar signs
Or bricks and mortar you may find
By Christ alone will I be found
Worthy of that golden crown
Worthy of that golden crown

The value of this life I’ve lived
How did I love, did I forgive
Where did my treasure truly lay
How did I start and end each day

Don’t measure me by battles won
Or some good deed that I have done
By Christ alone will I be found
Worthy of that golden crown
Worthy of that golden crown

May be a pauper or a king
Have nothing or have everything
The question begs, do you belong
Do you sing a resurrection song

Measured by the master’s hand
On only one truth can we stand
By Christ alone will we be found
Worthy of that golden crown
Worthy of that golden crown

With the week that I have had I really needed this song.  I feel more prepared for whatever comes my way.

Ch...Ch...Changes

Okay so on top of the decisions I have had to make with my health and in my personal life, now work drama enters stage left.  We have been having serious financial problems.  We have lost some children due to the economy and then we had to lay people off.  During the actual academic preschool year our enrollment picks up and we don't have quite as much trouble making payroll.  Then we start having trouble with not having any help and then she hired some people.  Well enter this summer and it started getting really bad.  January and February were already bad then when summer came we started laying off more and more people.  So today we got the official word that Jeanne (our director) is being laid off effective at the end of August.  This is huge not only because I am third in command, but also because as far as we know they aren't planning on hiring anyone to replace her.  This means that it will be Kimber and I running the place while also managing our classrooms.  This means even longer days than I've been putting in.  It means that we will either ultimately be responsible for the day to day operations as well as hiring and firing, or it will mean that we will be responsible for all the mundane work, but will still have to go to someone for any decisions.  In the first case it will be hard to get everything done and will probably mean 12 hour days, but the second isn't any better because I know how the program should run and so does Kimber, and having to go to someone from the church would be frustrating because they have no idea how things should be going.  We do. 

Another unknown is what is going to happen with Jeanne when she comes back tomorrow.  She is the decision maker in the facility and now she has been told that her time with us is limited and she is going to be checked out.  She is going to want to collect her paycheck but she is not going to want to have anything to do with the operation aspect of it.  I feel bad for Kimber.  She is friends with Jeanne and she is going to lose her.  She might stay in contact with her but the reason they became friends will be gone so their contact will become more and more sparse.  I have worked under Jeanne for six years and I have learned a lot. As far as actually liking her. I did to a certain extent, but over the past few years we have gotten this sort of love hate thing going on.  I have a very good attendance record.  I only miss when I am REALLY sick and that is rarely.  I also stay late and come in early without asking and all this is without over time because I'm on salary.  However, once she wrote me up for something that turned out to be a series of unfortunate events.  It was the back door (playground) was left unlocked.  That was because the door was broken and I had made the report several times and nothing was ever done.  Then the grey preschool door was unlocked and a homeless person had gotten in and spent the night in the infant room on a cot (ewww) but it was because it was a Wednesday and I had been told NOT to lock it on Wednesdays because the choir practices that day and it turned out to be cancelled which I didn't know.  So it turned out that my write up was noted on that there were explainable reasons and she wrote it on the paper, but still put it in my file. 

So I don't know whats going to happen.  No one else even knows what is going on.  I can't talk to them about it.  Even when they do find out I have to be professonal and can't speculate about what is going to happen.  I just wish I knew what was going to happen.

Call Back

The Baratric center called me back.  They talked to my insurance company and they want to talk about what needs to happen to get the process on track.  I haven't been able to call them back because work was so chaotic on Friday.  So I have been stewing over it all weekend, wondering what they will say.  I already know what the insurance company said because I had talked to them as well, but I am really ready to get the process started.  I don't want to live this way anymore!  I am tired of struggling and trying and failing then starting all over again.  I wish I had someone in my life to go through the process with. 

Bariatric Surgery

I went to the meeting about my surgery.  It was very informative.  At some point between the last time I posted and now I had decided that it wasn't worth going through surgery to lose weight.  I decided that I was going to take control of my eating habits and do this on my own.  I did for a few weeks and lost .5 lbs.  I started walking everyday (which I will continue to do) and began to at least feel better.  After going to the meeting.  The team at Winchester Bariatric Center told us tons of information about the biology of weight loss.  He explained why it's getting harder and harder for Americans to lose weight.  He also explained the steps in the process that we would under go if we decided to go forward with the weight loss.  He invited a former patient to speak to us who had surgery 18 months ago.  She is down almost a whole person!  She was in her 60's as well.  He said that the pain of recovery is comparable to doing a ton of sit ups after you've been out of shape for awhile.  That's painful but not the loss of limb pain I was expecting.  So I am going to go to the initial surgical consult and find out what they think and if I am still a candidate after they speak with my insurance company. 

I will update more later. 

On a more personal note, we had a nice vacation.  There was a day or two there where I felt like we were camping on the surface of the sun, but we survived.  Going back to work was bitter sweet.  I have a lot of work to do to get my room back in order.  However, everything was changed when I came back.  One of our teachers had been made a floater and we were laying people off because we can't make payroll.  We are in serious financial trouble.  I don't know how long we are going to be able to stay open.  Honestly, part of me isn't sad about that.  I have felt for a long time that I needed a new job, but I am so attached to "my room" and how I have made it mine throughout the years that I am reluctant to leave and start a new job somewhere unfamiliar.  I just pray that the lord helps us through this and we can hold on to our facility.

Preschool Apocalypse

Oh my GOD what a day.  I thought the last day before vacation would find me in an excellent mood and ready to get out the door and get home.  Instead it has been this mixed up day.  The staff member in the beginnings program class is out today because her son is sick.  A couple of my students went to the beach for the rest of this week so the director decided since "numbers will be down" they would put them with me.  No lets not let a teacher assistant be the teacher in there, lets give them to another teacher, throw off my entire schedule and give me a very mixed group.  I have two very young 2 year olds, one older 2, one young 3, five older 3's and one four year old.  Talking about a hard class.  You have the younger twos being freaked out by being in a different classroom.  One has only been at our facility for a few days, the other just moved out of the infant room.  You have them taking toys away from the three year olds and the three year olds hitting or pushing them and then the 4 year old terrorizing all the rest of them.  This should never have happened.  There is no excuse for this to happen unless we have several staff members out.  We have one teacher who only has 1 child today.  Why couldn't she take them?  I am just so ready for this day to already be over. 

It's a Mister Rogers Kind'a Day

You know how in Mr. Rogers neighborhood everything was always very peachy?  Well today feels like that to me.  The sun is shining the temp is perfect and I am in such a great mood. Only two more days until I am on vacation.  Well I guess less really because I'm halfway through today.  I wish it was this time tomorrow, then I will only have hours until the torture is over for a week.  I love my job, but I'm ready for a break.