Everything has to have an end. To me I hate leaving things undone.  Especially if i'm reading a book or watching a series of movies.  It's almost like an obsession until it's finished.  This path to surgery has started to feel the same.  At times It feels like it will never get here and I'm never going to know how this journey ends.  Part of me is terrified I will have went through all of this and the insurance company will deny my application. I am trying very hard to stay positive but i'm having a very hard time doing that.  Time is going soooo slow!

What a day this has started out to be. No one wanted to work this morning. I didn't either, but at least I didn't try to call out.  If everyone would have succeeded in calling out, I would have been alone.

Kim (My Best Friend in VA) woke up in the middle of the night. Her daughter was throwing up. Kimber told her she had to come anyway. Kim is pissed now because Kimber is letting others go home early, but not her. I'm trying to stay out of that one.

It's hard being the boss and being friends with your employees and your boss. Kimber and I were friends when she was a teacher and I was her aide. Kimber and I got promoted at the same time.  She became second in command.  I became a teacher.

A year later, I got promoted again to supervisor.Over this summer (a few years after my promotion) our world exploded and they got rid of our boss. She was a bit of a tyrant and never at work. We never saw it coming. Kimber got promoted again. Now she's the boss.Kim started working for us. I'm friends with her.

She's now 3rd in command, I'm second and Kimber first. Kim and Kimber are NOT friends. I have a headache.

Anyway, I'm at work.  Getting classroom Ideas.  I am rearranging my room. Better get back to work. I'm sure I'll write more later.

Yesterday was over all a good Christmas. 

I got a little upset about not having any presents to open. 

It was stupid to be upset. 

I was the only person in the house not to open a present, but it's not like I didn't get anything.

I got a 100.00 gift card for Jason and I to cracker barrel. 

I finally talked myself down from being upset. 

I mean some people lost their houses yesterday. 

I still have a roof over my head. 

Also, a boy from my hometown died yesterday.  He had some viral infection.

How scary is that?

 

We had a snow day today.

It started snowing at around 5:15 this morning.

At first we were just going to delay.

The roads kept getting worse and worse. 

 

We had a parent that complained because we were closed.

She said she was very upset. 

We are a childcare. This is just unbelieveable.

Uhh no, we are a preschool. 

Also if the roads are bad and someone dies who is responsible?

I understand that her job doesn't shut down because of snow.

However, we have to think of safety. 

It says in our policy that we close on days that it snows.

She's just being a bully.

As usual.

 

Jason might not get to come home for a few days. 

Especially if the snow keeps up.

Thank God for snow days.

 



other blogs

I think I am addicted to reading bariatric blogs.

Their stories are so inspirational. 

I also decided that instead of trying to be gramatically correct I am going to write as I think it.

This might mean a lot of entering and spacing.

 

So today is Christmas Day.  We haven't really done much.

We dipped our candy in chocolate yesterday.

Today we are all being lazy and watching tv.

I have been reading a blog of someone who had gastric bypass.

After she lost her goal weight, so got pregnant! 

 

I have wanted to be a mommy since Jason and I got married.

11 years of wishing and hoping.

I was hoping my new medicine would help me get pregnant.

I want to wait until after surgery now. 

I don't want to be unhealthy and have an unhealthy baby.

30 years old having a baby?

I can only hope! 

Christmas Eve

This Christmas is going to be different than any I have ever had before.  First and foremost because of the economy.  We struggled to get the few presents we bought.  Jason and I decided that we wouldn't buy anything this year.  This will be the first year in my life that I will not get a present.  It's not about presents though,  it's more about watching the nieces and nephews open their presents.  The second reason it will be different is because I'm thinking about how this will hopefully be the last year that I am "the old me". 

I have made a commitment to myself for the beginning of the year.  I'm going to take the diet I will have after surgery (when I can eat solid foods again) and start using that a guide so I can get used to it ahead of time.  I don't want this whole process to be a shock to my system.  I so want this to be sucessful.  I often find that I don't think about the surgery itself.  Just the after.  I have never had any sort of surgery before (thank god) so I am a little nervous and I try not to think about it.  I wonder if this is healthy?  I could look at it as if I am just so ready to start my new life that I'm not sweating the surgery itself or I could look at it like I'm in denial and don't want to face the possible pain. 

Something that has been on my mind a lot is my family.  I haven't told any of them what I have been going through.  I haven't told any of them about my decision to have surgery.  I have always been afraid of what they would think about every decision I have ever made.  This is too important for me to take the risk.  The closer I get though, the more I desire to tell them.  They live 1500 miles away and they don't get to see me except on facebook.  I keep thinking that maybe I will just write a letter to a few of them and let them know.  I could explain to them my reasons behind the decision and the research that I have done.  I just don't know what to do. 

On the plus side I am feeling much better with the medicine than I have been without it.  I am so ready to get on the path to my new life.

Hoops and Hopes

So I promised to tell you about my journey on the bariatric front.  Since I made my initial visit to the surgeon I have had multiple rounds of blood work.  My nutritionist and my PCP have been trying to figure out if I should have medicine for a mild thyriod condition or not.  My NUT says yes, my PCP said no.  Finally after 3 months, I am now taking Levothyroxine for my thyroid condition. 

One of the required tests was an abdominal ultrasound.  This is where you take off all your clothes and put on a hospital gown.  Then the technician takes you in and has you lay on a table.  She then takes the ultrasound machine and proceeds to push the wand through your body (it feels like it anyway) to look at all your organs.  I also had to get a full blood panel taken. 

Another test the require is a sleep study.  My doctor was hilarious!  He was so flamboyant.  He had me do an at home sleep study first.  When the results from that came in he told me it showed moderate sleep apnea.  He then sent me to the hospital to do a cpap titration which is where they watch you sleep with forced air and without.  I did excellent on this.  Since I'm going through the program I have to have it treated.  If I wasn't going to have surgery, I would not need a CPAP. 

I have went through psych visits and have another coming up.  This is to make sure I'm emotionally ready for surgery.  This past week I went in for classes to learn how to eat, excersize and live the lifestyle.  I'm sooo ready for this to be over and have the surgery done. 

Sometimes I have to remind myself to take a deep breath and relax!  My final assignments were due in my classes and of course blackboard chose that moment to go down!  I was told to e-mail them so of course I did!  I check my grades only to find a big giant F staring back at me.  I had to tell myself NOT to have a panic attack.  I e-mailed and called my instructor.  It did no good.  She didn't answer and hasn't emailed back.  Of course grades are due today and I can't imagine that I got to her in time.  I'm sure she's one of those people (unlike me) who are always on top of things and do things early.  I guess this is really my fault . I shouldn't wait until the last minute for everything!!  So I probably failed this class.  That means that my GPA will tank and it will probably take me until graduation to get it back up.  Guess who has to really buckle down and get going on classes?  Yep...ME!

On the bariatric front, I have been jumping through hoops the last few months.  I have had appointments with the psychologist, abdominal ultrasounds, 2 sleep studies, lots of blood work, and gotten all sorts of medications!  UGH.

I will post more on that later!

First Visit with the Surgeon

Tomorrow is my first visit with the surgeon.  Jason has been in Texas and I have almost decided not to do the surgery.  Then I look back on all the struggles I have had with being over weight.  I almost cancelled my surgeons appointment.  I went back to the support group at www.dailystrength.org and I have convinced myself again that this is the absolute right thing for me and I am excited to get going on the weight loss. 

I don't know how Kimber is going to react when I tell her that I am for sure going on with the surgery, but I will talk to her about it soon.  I am so excited about the things that this surgery can do for me.  Mostly having a baby!  I am just tied up in knots over this visit. 

I am going crazy!

Jason has been in Austin for only a few days and I already miss him like crazy!  It's weird how you get so used to being with someone that when they aren't there its like something is missing.  It's good that we have been married for 11 years and I still miss him like crazy when he isn't here.  I'm going to bed. Work is killing me!  School starts in a few weeks and I'm stressing bad about that! 

My so called crazy life!

Well the last couple of weeks have been busy!  We work all day and half the night then get up and do it all over again.  We had to let one lady go the first week Kimber was in charge because we had had several complaints about her not paying attention to the children and about her not being responsive to parent instructions etc.  We had an employee a few months ago that went to the doctor and never called nor came back.  Almost a week later she called Jeanne and asked if she could come by and talk and when she did Jeanne hired her back.  This was without consulting Kimber or I. 

When they laid Jeanne off this girl started her business all over again.  She kept calling in for this reason or that reason and there was always an excuse.  Last week on Thursday Jackie left her phone in the playroom and a child got it and was playing with it.  I guess his mom has an iphone because he had it on and was moving things around.  I took it from him and looked at it and it was a message between Jackie and Christina (The one who called in a lot)  They were talking about what a bitch I am and yadda yadda yadda.  Anyway, Christina said, "That snotty bitch has never liked me anyway."  They talked about pretty much everyone but specifically me.  Why?  I have never been the target of this type of thing before.  I'm 28 and this is the first??  Probably not, but for sure the first I have ever known about.  Anyway, so we had this problem with Christina calling off and the boss said the next time she called off she was fired.  Low and behold, Friday she called off.  She was fired of course. At the end of the day on Friday we got a call and I answered.  Christina was on the phone asking why she was fired and saying that it wasn't fair and the she knows I was the cause of her getting fired.  I told her that I honestly didn't have anything to do with it, she did it on her own. 

She got off the phone and then tonight, Tori my niece who is 15 sends her a message on facebook about how she wants to be friends and why she called me a bitch, well Christina goes off about how I should get a life and blah blah.  Why should I get a life?  I didn't even know about this until it was done.  Then again I ask myself, why would I let a 20 year old get to me?

Theres Mutiny Afoot

I know this may be just the stress of everything that has happened talking, but I feel like Kimber isn't very willing to share power.  Not that I partcularly want the stress of having the decision making responsibility, but I know what Jeanne trained us to do and I can help.  I get the feeling she wants all the control.  The question is, do I just sit back and let her have all the control until she realizes she can't do it all alone?  We are friends.  I don't want to ruin a friendship but I feel left out of it all.  Even the meetings with Cary.  I never enter into anything with it.  I'm worried about the fact that I have worked my ass off for the last few years and I have gotten my degree and now all of a sudden they are looking at having an "overseer" for Kimber.  Well with both of us do they really need that?  Then the reality of the situation takes over and I can be thankful that I don't have added responsibility and no extra pay for it (she's not getting a pay raise). 

I guess the truth is in the long run none of this matters because I am going to end up leaving some day anyway.  I want to move back to my home town sometime anyway.  My homesickness just won't go away.

I'm here Lord

I have had several conversations with God lately.  I think that it's easy during times of stress to say a prayer and ask for guidance to get through it, but when times are good we often forget to kneal and pray.  I have the perfect reminder every day at work about God's grace.  We pray a lot at work, but now I am forgetting to have those normal everyday conversations with God.  I am going to work on being closer to him and being a more devoted follower. 

I have been hearing a lot about a group of young singers from my home state.  They have a song called Christ Alone.  It's worth a listen.  I will post lyrics. 

Christ Alone
Edens Edge

When I fly off this mortal earth
And I’m measured up by depth and girth
The Father says now what’s he worth
May he see Jesus death and birth

Don’t measure me by dollar signs
Or bricks and mortar you may find
By Christ alone will I be found
Worthy of that golden crown
Worthy of that golden crown

The value of this life I’ve lived
How did I love, did I forgive
Where did my treasure truly lay
How did I start and end each day

Don’t measure me by battles won
Or some good deed that I have done
By Christ alone will I be found
Worthy of that golden crown
Worthy of that golden crown

May be a pauper or a king
Have nothing or have everything
The question begs, do you belong
Do you sing a resurrection song

Measured by the master’s hand
On only one truth can we stand
By Christ alone will we be found
Worthy of that golden crown
Worthy of that golden crown

With the week that I have had I really needed this song.  I feel more prepared for whatever comes my way.

Ch...Ch...Changes

Okay so on top of the decisions I have had to make with my health and in my personal life, now work drama enters stage left.  We have been having serious financial problems.  We have lost some children due to the economy and then we had to lay people off.  During the actual academic preschool year our enrollment picks up and we don't have quite as much trouble making payroll.  Then we start having trouble with not having any help and then she hired some people.  Well enter this summer and it started getting really bad.  January and February were already bad then when summer came we started laying off more and more people.  So today we got the official word that Jeanne (our director) is being laid off effective at the end of August.  This is huge not only because I am third in command, but also because as far as we know they aren't planning on hiring anyone to replace her.  This means that it will be Kimber and I running the place while also managing our classrooms.  This means even longer days than I've been putting in.  It means that we will either ultimately be responsible for the day to day operations as well as hiring and firing, or it will mean that we will be responsible for all the mundane work, but will still have to go to someone for any decisions.  In the first case it will be hard to get everything done and will probably mean 12 hour days, but the second isn't any better because I know how the program should run and so does Kimber, and having to go to someone from the church would be frustrating because they have no idea how things should be going.  We do. 

Another unknown is what is going to happen with Jeanne when she comes back tomorrow.  She is the decision maker in the facility and now she has been told that her time with us is limited and she is going to be checked out.  She is going to want to collect her paycheck but she is not going to want to have anything to do with the operation aspect of it.  I feel bad for Kimber.  She is friends with Jeanne and she is going to lose her.  She might stay in contact with her but the reason they became friends will be gone so their contact will become more and more sparse.  I have worked under Jeanne for six years and I have learned a lot. As far as actually liking her. I did to a certain extent, but over the past few years we have gotten this sort of love hate thing going on.  I have a very good attendance record.  I only miss when I am REALLY sick and that is rarely.  I also stay late and come in early without asking and all this is without over time because I'm on salary.  However, once she wrote me up for something that turned out to be a series of unfortunate events.  It was the back door (playground) was left unlocked.  That was because the door was broken and I had made the report several times and nothing was ever done.  Then the grey preschool door was unlocked and a homeless person had gotten in and spent the night in the infant room on a cot (ewww) but it was because it was a Wednesday and I had been told NOT to lock it on Wednesdays because the choir practices that day and it turned out to be cancelled which I didn't know.  So it turned out that my write up was noted on that there were explainable reasons and she wrote it on the paper, but still put it in my file. 

So I don't know whats going to happen.  No one else even knows what is going on.  I can't talk to them about it.  Even when they do find out I have to be professonal and can't speculate about what is going to happen.  I just wish I knew what was going to happen.

Call Back

The Baratric center called me back.  They talked to my insurance company and they want to talk about what needs to happen to get the process on track.  I haven't been able to call them back because work was so chaotic on Friday.  So I have been stewing over it all weekend, wondering what they will say.  I already know what the insurance company said because I had talked to them as well, but I am really ready to get the process started.  I don't want to live this way anymore!  I am tired of struggling and trying and failing then starting all over again.  I wish I had someone in my life to go through the process with. 

Bariatric Surgery

I went to the meeting about my surgery.  It was very informative.  At some point between the last time I posted and now I had decided that it wasn't worth going through surgery to lose weight.  I decided that I was going to take control of my eating habits and do this on my own.  I did for a few weeks and lost .5 lbs.  I started walking everyday (which I will continue to do) and began to at least feel better.  After going to the meeting.  The team at Winchester Bariatric Center told us tons of information about the biology of weight loss.  He explained why it's getting harder and harder for Americans to lose weight.  He also explained the steps in the process that we would under go if we decided to go forward with the weight loss.  He invited a former patient to speak to us who had surgery 18 months ago.  She is down almost a whole person!  She was in her 60's as well.  He said that the pain of recovery is comparable to doing a ton of sit ups after you've been out of shape for awhile.  That's painful but not the loss of limb pain I was expecting.  So I am going to go to the initial surgical consult and find out what they think and if I am still a candidate after they speak with my insurance company. 

I will update more later. 

On a more personal note, we had a nice vacation.  There was a day or two there where I felt like we were camping on the surface of the sun, but we survived.  Going back to work was bitter sweet.  I have a lot of work to do to get my room back in order.  However, everything was changed when I came back.  One of our teachers had been made a floater and we were laying people off because we can't make payroll.  We are in serious financial trouble.  I don't know how long we are going to be able to stay open.  Honestly, part of me isn't sad about that.  I have felt for a long time that I needed a new job, but I am so attached to "my room" and how I have made it mine throughout the years that I am reluctant to leave and start a new job somewhere unfamiliar.  I just pray that the lord helps us through this and we can hold on to our facility.

Preschool Apocalypse

Oh my GOD what a day.  I thought the last day before vacation would find me in an excellent mood and ready to get out the door and get home.  Instead it has been this mixed up day.  The staff member in the beginnings program class is out today because her son is sick.  A couple of my students went to the beach for the rest of this week so the director decided since "numbers will be down" they would put them with me.  No lets not let a teacher assistant be the teacher in there, lets give them to another teacher, throw off my entire schedule and give me a very mixed group.  I have two very young 2 year olds, one older 2, one young 3, five older 3's and one four year old.  Talking about a hard class.  You have the younger twos being freaked out by being in a different classroom.  One has only been at our facility for a few days, the other just moved out of the infant room.  You have them taking toys away from the three year olds and the three year olds hitting or pushing them and then the 4 year old terrorizing all the rest of them.  This should never have happened.  There is no excuse for this to happen unless we have several staff members out.  We have one teacher who only has 1 child today.  Why couldn't she take them?  I am just so ready for this day to already be over. 

It's a Mister Rogers Kind'a Day

You know how in Mr. Rogers neighborhood everything was always very peachy?  Well today feels like that to me.  The sun is shining the temp is perfect and I am in such a great mood. Only two more days until I am on vacation.  Well I guess less really because I'm halfway through today.  I wish it was this time tomorrow, then I will only have hours until the torture is over for a week.  I love my job, but I'm ready for a break. 

Come on Vacation!!

This is a short week for me but somehow it has ended up being the longest!  It's only Tuesday.  I am so sleepy today and I'm ready for something in my life to change, but I am cautious about saying that because every time I say that something bad happens and I wish things would just go back to the way they were before I wished it. 

I am ready to be in the middle of nowhere and sleep on the ground for a week.  I know I know, how weird am I?  Part of me wishes that I had decided to just take my vacation and stay home for a week, but the other part of me knows that it's a chance for Jason and I to get together and connect.  We don't get opportunities like that very often.  Last year was Myrtle Beach and then Ft. Meyers Beach in FL.  We got lucky with two vacations.  This year I am only taking 1. 

Well my lunch break at work is over so I had better get back before they send a search party.  Its time for our daily teacher's meeting.

Unexpected Surprise

Since I have moved to VA I haven't had many friends.  Most of them have been from work.  Lastnight we stayed after work to help Kim (baby room lead teacher) rearrange the room.  The two people above me at work stayed.  I asked my hubby to come and help and Kim brought her husband.  Turns out that my husband went to High School with both Kim and her husband Jake.  After the boss left, the second in command, Jason, Kim, Jake and I went out the dinner at TGI Fridays.  It was about 10:30 when we went to eat.  Jason and I stayed talking to Jake and Kim until about 2:00 in the morning.  We went to bed about 3 am.  It was amazing and I could so see us being friends with them.  I am not very good at making and keeping friends so I have to admit that I don't know what the next step should be.  Is there some protocol?  I think I will just talk to Kim at work and let the guys work the rest of it out. 

This morning Toby had a groomer appointment at 9am.  We dragged ourselves out of bed and took him over, then went to cracker barrel to eat.  We go there every Saturday and we have gotten friendly with the GM.  He came over to talk to us and then when we were leaving he took our check and paid for it! After we picked Toby up at the groomers we came home and went back to bed.  We slept from about 11:20 to 2:30.  It has been a lazy day. 

This week I only work 4 days.  On Friday is the first day of my vacation.  We are going down to southern Virginia for a week of tent camping at Holliday Lake.  I always call it the wrong name "Lake Holliday" which is a housing development near where we live.  Anyway, we have never been to this camp ground.  Tomorrow we are going to load up early and head down to scope out the camp ground and see what the lake is like.  We are going to fish while we are there.  Right now it's 1 am so I better get in bed so I can get up in the morning. 

I want to run

Okay so over the past few months everytime I ask myself why I want to lose weight (besides the obvious health reasons) is because I want to run.  I see people doing it all the time and I think, man how awesome would it be to run?  I mean full on run.  I have a gym membership which I haven't been using.  I need to get my ass in gear with no excuses. 

Chances

Well it turns out that I have been delayed for my surgery.  My insurance company makes us wait a predetermined amount of time before having the surgery.  There will be a once a month trip to the nutritionist for six months.  A psych evaluation followed by more testing.  So it will probably be 2013 before I get the surgery.  That's not necessarily a bad thing.  I think it will give me more time to think about it and more time to work with my doctor to find out just why I can't lose weight.  If I can do it without surgical intervention then that would be amazing!  Looks like this delay might turn out to be for the best. 

On another note, work sucks today.  One of our teachers are out and this puts extra stress on everyone because the only assistant we have has to be in the other teachers room.  Not to mention, I have the responsibility of getting the summer program running and making sure everything runs smoothly.  There is barely time to concentrate on my ten children.  Adding to that being responsible for helping everyone else's day to run smoothly is sometimes more than I can handle. 

Life Changer

Over the past few months I have come to an understanding that its time to take my life back.  I had another journal on another website and I have been following the decision making process and the things that have been happening.  I want to keep the decision from my family.  The decision I have made is to consider bariatric sugery for my weight loss.  I have battled my whole life with being over weight, but it wasn't until the last few years that it has gotten way out of control.  When I went to the doctor and stepped on the scale and topped out at 254.0 lbs I was beyond shocked!  This is not the person I am.  I'm not one of those people who let myself get like that.  Yet here I am.  I am so heavy I am infertile.  I have lost out on the chance of having children because I let it get this far. 

When considering the surgery, I had to think about not only the risk of death during or right after surgery, but also the after care.  I will be off work for several weeks. I will be on a liquid diet for a couple of weeks.  After the couple of weeks I will add soft foods very slowly.  It will take 8 to 9 weeks before I can add solid foods.  The most I would be able to eat is 1 cup of food at a time.  I will have to constantly maintain 64 oz of water everyday because I can't eat foods that normally were packed with water.  I will have to take a vitamin and iron supplement for the rest of my life and depending on the type of surgery I get, I may have frequent visits back to the surgeon. 

On July 5, 2012 I go back for a weight loss seminar.  I don't know what comes after that, but from what I understand of the process other places you have to attend the seminar, then attend a counseling session and a visit with the nutritionist.  The hospital I found while researching it also required your application to be put in front of a committee.  The next big hurtle for me will be getting my insurance to cover the surgery.  I just pray that it will.